Aidan Williams - High Acuity

At my flat we’ve always got someone staying in the spare room in the attic – usually one of our friends who’s just moved to London and we let them stay with us till they get a job and/or find a flat.

On Friday night after work I came back and met my brother-in-law’s brother Will who’s going to be staying with us at my flat for a few weeks. I took him and my flat mates back to the studios where I work and introduced them to my work colleagues.

After a few games of pool and a few drinks my 19 year old Australian work mate David, Will and myself set off home and ended up having to walk most of the way since we missed the last tube.

We arrived back at around 4am, Will went to bed upstairs and David slept in my bed with me. The next morning Chorna was coming to visit me since we hadn’t seen each other in a while and was going to surprise me and my flat mate let her in – expecting to find me in bed with another girl, she opened the door to my room, saw David and myself in bed together wearing nothing but my boxers and David in nothing but his tighty-whities. With the funniest shocked look on her face she shouted “Oh my god!!”, walked out of the room and closed the door. I started sarcastically shouting “Chooorna!” a few times and she finally came back in, and didn’t look at either of us, so I said “David, Chorna, Chorna, David… David and I have been having lots of sex together.”. Chorna said “I bet you have! I’m going to go and say hi to the guys upstairs!” and left.

It’s really annoying that she completely missed David putting on the most camp voice you’ve ever heard and saying “Oh who’s this, Aidan? You didn’t tell me about this?? Who’s this b*tch!?”.

Funniest Saturday morning ever… Although I think what I found even more funny was when I spoke to my dad on the phone later that morning, told him the story and he said “Well, supposedly everyone in London is bisexual these days.” And I think he was fishing, so I replied “No, Dad, I’m really not, don’t worry.”.

After doing some work I spent the rest of Saturday morning at Borough market with the other David I know and Chorna, where I bought bagels, brie and coffee. David and I spent the rest of the day at his house cooking (or he cooked and I mostly watched and ate). I watched ‘Slither‘ with his flat mates while drinking South African cider. Slither is absolutely classic and perfect brain candy.

Aidan says: Where the f**k are my stamps, a*****e!?!?
Nathan says: F**k you b***h… I was gonna give you them, but now I’m just gonna lick the gummy goodness off the back and throw them away….

Every Thursday is ‘Massage Day’ at work and every week there is a competition between the producers and developers to see who can get the first massage.

Immature? Yes.
Funny? Pretty much.

You see, if someone from one team gets the first massage, they reserve the next massage for someone else in their team and the other team may not get a massage at all that week since she’s only around for a couple of hours.

This week, Chris and I noticed that 1. the masseuse was very late so probably wouldn’t stay as long anyway, and 2. all of the project managers were getting in there before us, so we definitely weren’t going to get a massage if the developers got in there first.

Every five minutes Nathan (developer) would jump out of his chair and start to sprint towards the masseuse as soon as someone else finished, but one of the project managers always got there before him (they sit closer).

So Chris (fellow producer) and myself worked out our strategy – he pretended to walk to the bathroom at 9 minutes into one of the project manager’s massage and took a sudden right to the massage chair just as she was finishing.

At this point, Nathan was so desperate to get a massage that he started hanging around in the company kitchen, staring at the masseuse, twitching nervously.

But Chris and I had our strategy planned and already in action. Chris took his phone and called me as soon as his massage finished – I got up out of my chair, pretended it was an important call I had to take outside the office and started to walk towards the door. Just as I got to the masseuse, I looked at Nathan, smiled, hung up and sat in the chair after shaking Chris’ hand.

It was such a beautiful maneuver unrivalled by any massage maneuver before it.

What was even more funny though, was that when I came back to my chair, sauntering into the office with a smug grin on my face, I sat down to a blank screen and started pressing first my mouse, then my keyboard, and then the power button on my monitor. Nathan had unplugged my keyboard, mouse and monitor from my computer, also unplugging my monitor from the mains, also stealing a key from my keyboard and one of the keyboard stands so the keyboard was wobbling.

After I managed to stop laughing and plugged it all back in, I turned on my monitor and got back to work, only to find out five minutes later than he had changed my desktop background to The Village People and five minutes later still, my name on MSN to ‘The Sensitive Indian One From The Village People’.

Touché Nathan – excellent work. Remind me to kick your ass on Monday and fire you.

The funniest comment on the whole debacle: “Hahaha - The massages are supposed to reduce stress, not increase office tension!”